22

Jeez, I haven’t been this *genuinely* happy for quite some time. Not that I wasn’t contented with everything I have, nor was I enjoying dwelling on my anxieties, but you know, just that phase in our lives where we go through existential crisis and depression would hit us hard. It may not seem obvious to me, but I was stuck there until just recently when I stepped into a new chapter of my life. It took me years before I finally felt completely happy again – deep down in my heart kind of happy. Imagine that.

My point is, whatever you are going through, please keep doing what you’re doing. A lot of things don’t make sense right now, but someday when you get to where you’re supposed to be, it will all add up. All that struggle is just part of the process to equip you for something bigger; that hardship is not supposed to break you, it is to expand your capabilities. Don’t you dare to give up, my friend! You’re getting closer. Above all else, be patient with yourself. The right people will come to find you. For now as you struggle to seek the meaning of your battles, learn to find peace in your own solitude.

Don’t let yourself get stuck in the mud of your sorrows. You will be happy again. Work on it.

Just breathe.

Maybe

Why do you feel so close

When you are far away?

And why do you feel so distant

When you are just around?

–

How does it feel so strange

Talking to you all of a sudden?

As if we were never close to each other,

Like we never shared anything at all

–

Maybe it’s my heart that still holds you,

Maybe it’s when our eyes meet burning with our old flame,

Maybe, just maybe, it’s all still the same,

Maybe it’s really just the timing that fucked this all up

When I Was Finally Ready

Like a balloon

Pumped up beyond its capacity,

Our feelings grew

Until it bursted out of our control

–

Like a bubble

That never fails to make me smile,

You disappeared so soon

With no trace, as if you never happened

–

Like a song

Played on repeat in my mind,

Your smile, your laugh,

I long for every minute since you were gone

–

And like everybody else

I invested myself to

You left me so suddenly

Worse, when I was finally ready

Do You Ever

Do you ever get so disappointed in life that you just don’t know what to say anymore

Delayed

photo not mine

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This totally struck me. In 2019, I got my degree and took 3 months before I got my first job. My heart was fixed on pursuing my career in the company where I took my internship. But then I found out they were freeze hiring at that time. So after that, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. It was so hard for me to decide what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Nonetheless, in the back of my mind, I knew I wanted to work in the office and be in the airline industry since that’s kind of the stigma when you finish a degree in Tourism Management; plus, when I was in college, I was never interested when we discuss about the hotels. But then this opportunity in the hotel industry came. Not only it wasn’t in the airline industry, it was also in the operations – a total opposite of what I knew I wanted. Now, don’t get me wrong for being too picky for someone in the entry level of her career. We are entitled to dream of what we want for ourselves.

After 4 months in the operations, I was asked if I wanted to apply for a position in the Sales&Marketing department. At first, I was hesitant because from the background I was given, the people I was supposed to be working with are hell of a skillful, experienced, and talented people. Not to mention, they are all excellent in people skills and then there’s me – the awkward, non-sociable person I am. Anyway, of course I got so intimidated even without meeting them yet, but I reminded myself of this quote that says ‘hardest battles are given to the strongest soldiers.’ It was a big step for me because in my current job at that time, I knew there wasn’t growth for me there. So I took a leap of faith; I applied for it and fortunately, I got the new position.

I loved my new job. I loved everything I was learning. Finally, I was beginning to see a future for myself. I was satisfied with what I was doing. Then, the pandemic boomed. My work got affected; I got laid off. I waited and still am waiting to go back. I feel like my personal and career growth got delayed. At the start of the year, I was so excited to experience every season at work – the challenges that comes with it, the celebrations, my improvements, my potentials getting unfolded. I was thrilled to envision a whole year of work experience.

I pictured my 2020 with at least 50,000PHP on my savings account before the year ends, helping my sisters with our financial needs at home, buying things I like, going to places I want to see, treating myself out for a coffee, and slowly achieving all the other things I dream about. But I cannot control the things that happened this year. I have to accept this setback.

I may not have achieved everything I thought I would this year, at least I got the time to pause and see life differently. I have always wanted more; I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though. But now, I appreciate the little things the most.

I may have got delayed for now, but that doesn’t mean I will stop.

Was It All Worth It?

Was it worth it?
When you chose to spend your time alone without the thought of me;
When you chose your desire over protecting my feelings;
When you chose your lust over my trust;
Was it worth it?
When you chose the other girls over me;
When you chose to keep everything from me;
When you chose to lie to my face as you promise;
Was it worth it?
When you saw me cry;
When you saw me hurt;
When you saw me doubtful;
Was it worth it?
When you saw me curled up in pain;
When you saw me fall asleep wet in my tears;
When you saw me shivering as I question everything;
Was it all worth it?

What Difference

After words have been uttered,
Thoughts have been heard,
Feelings have been spoken,
What difference did it make?
It still hurts;
It’s still in me;
Not even an ounce has been diminished
From the weight I carry
In my mind,
In my heart,
In every bit of my soul,
All over me

Insensitive People

It’s surprising how some people could be so insensitive with their words. How could they sleep so soundly knowing someone is bleeding because of the cutting words they uttered. Incredulously I ponder on how could they just move on and act as if nothing and no one was damaged by their words; how could they think that someone can just let it go. Those people, those fucking insensitive people. I can’t imagine there are some as such exists.

Nonsense Talker

Maybe I should stop talking to you, perhaps then you will start to value what I say.

Blank

Is this how life is going to be? You will, for the rest of your life, restlessly find motivation in doing your job that you don’t even like just to survive? Will I be stuck in forcing myself to love what I am doing, but deep down there’s always a part of me that wishes I should have taken another course to which I am certain I would have enjoyed?

Will I ever find contentment in this? Will I ever learn to be happy doing something I did not want in the first place? Am I tiring myself to gain experience for something I know I won’t pursue?

Jeez. Life.