Can I Be Anymore Broken?

And even you think you’ve said everything,

There are still questions hanging in my head;

Are the two of you getting linked?

Why do you call her ‘dear’?

Why do you want her to back you up when everybody else was matching you?

Was it your pleasure?

Don’t you find it offensive on my side?

I don’t want to feel anymore,

My head’s too fed up

My heart’s been torn into pieces

Can I be anymore broken?

All I Thought

‘Coz even I trust you,

I can’t think clearly when I’m blue;

How you call me,

What you call me,

I thought it was all just for me;

But when I read that conversation,

My world felt nothing all at once

I thought I was your only ‘dear’

I assume I was your only ‘package’

Damn

What has gotten into me

To think I am that special in your life

Back At It Again, Self

I cry in silence

As I lie in a room filled with darkness;

My mind’s screaming,

But no voice is coming out from my mouth

The tears continue to drop

And even I try, it won’t stop

Why o’ why it keeps pulling me down

I’ve almost made it, but here we go again, self

An Empty Girl

So the sadness continues to cripple in;

Coldness weakens my body;

Darkness sucking up my energy;

And emptiness is all I’m left with

Trapped Soul

Whenever someone would ask me to describe myself, the first thing that comes to my mind is that I love expressing myself through poetry. It has been my best medium of venting out all my emotions, and obviously, it’s been quite effective lately.

But tonight is different. So many thoughts booming around my head, I can’t find even a single word to start a poem. I don’t know if I’m to call myself anxious, depressed, stressed, or worried. I am not in the position to say it, tho. I am not a psychologist nor a professional who had taken up a mastery on people’s feelings and emotions. But whatever the hell this is, it is fuqing heavy.

I understand being a teenager may cause me an abrupt change in my emotions – in layman’s term, mood swings. But to tell you honestly, I don’t think this is just about the mood swings.

I have been carrying these thoughts inside me. And frankly saying, I am tired of hearing myself.

You may be wondering why am I even so upset with my life to the extent of making this lengthy entry in my blog. Well, to be honest, I don’t even know. I sometimes think I’m going mad, but I am also confident that these thoughts are rational; these thoughts are truly existing (and happening!) I just can’t accept the fact that I cannot do anything about it. You know?

Sometimes, you wanna fix things and get over the useless painful situations you are in, but you are just helpless.

Even though I have already said for so many times that I surrender all my concerns, my worries, my fears, and my cares to the Lord, still, I am all sucked up.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to have someone I can lean on to. I wanted to have a friend to be (literally) by my side and hear all of this. I wanted someone to hear me, at least. I wanted someone to know I am weak; I am vulnerable; I am hurting; I am messed up. All this shitty image I have been trying to maintain –the disciplined, focused, goal-oriented self I have always been, it’s tiring!

Their expectations of me became unreachable. The maldita with strong personality girl I used to, it has expired! And I wanted all of you to know that. I thought it was a good idea to have the impression of being strong to last so no one can hurt you. But I am admittedly wrong of that. It is way more hurtful to see people not caring whether you’re sad or not. How could they? They’ve been used to seeing you winning over dramas.

I wanted to say good bye. I wanted to disappear, and never come back. Some say they care, but I don’t even feel their presence right now. They have been so good in words, but their actions shows nothing.

I don’t understand.

This dark place I am stranded in. I shouldn’t have been here. I am trapped. I want an escape. But how do I make my first step when I cannot even see a light ahead in my path?

Damage

Photo credits to Google

And then there’s the damage – the damage that nothing can bring back its original form. Nothing even an adhesive tape, a glue, a super glue (if you demand); even a thousand of sorries, an endless cry, and a million pieces to fill the emptiness. It’s there. No one can ever take it away. The scar has been made, the bleeding has flown, the wholeness has been stolen from it. You saw that coming, don’t you? But you neglected it anyway for the sake of love. And now that there’s a cut, you can’t help but watch as the smithereens gradually fall all over.

Waited to Waste?

We waited for this

In the shadows hiding,

In the light pretending,

But now that we finally have each other

I cannot fathom why

Why are we wasting time?

Why are we still holding back?

Isn’t this what we wanted?

Isn’t this what we fought for?

—

The vague years of waiting

Idle, waiting for our turn

And now that we have it

Why are we hurting each other?

Mornings of misunderstandings,

Nights of holding grudges

Isn’t it too tiring?

Over and over, it happens

Stealing moments

Wasting chances

Can’t we just relish every minute?

I’m Just Here, ate

During daytime you smile,

When alone at night you cry

You choose to show off your scars,

But never have you told anyone the story behind those

—

We see you strong,

Little did we know it was just for show;

You never asked for help

Now we do not understand

—

You’re in deep pain

But you choose to show off anger

Only because you don’t want to be a burden

You don’t want anyone see you hurting

—

Your story is gradually unfolding

And I can feel you breaking

All the pain you thought was gone

I know now it’s all coming back

—

If you’re reading this,

Know that I’m just here

I may not understand it all,

But I will never let you fall

🙂

I got your back

And if you stumble

I’ll help you stand up

Always.