Questions I Ask Myself

Sometimes I ask myself why

I think deeply how it hit me that time

What it took from me

Where my happiness might be

My Anxiety

Good afternoon from the Philippines! It is my first time to feature my face on my blog entry only because I have the conviction to talk about myself — my struggles — finally. Earlier, I woke up feeling really good about myself. I wasn’t thinking about any concerns; I was fine with myself. And finally, once again, I feel contented of what and who I am.

Just a typical morning to wake up to if you must think, But believe me, I’ve almost forgotten the feeling of this.

The thing is that I’ve always been in denial to admit I’m having some sort of anxiety. Well, I am not in the position to say that, but who cares if that’s [really] how I feel, right? And it is not easy. I’ve been worried about what others might have reacted in the way I act, or how would they think of me on how I write, how I speak, or even how I view things. I am always reluctant and hard on myself just to make sure that others are good with me. But the more I get conscious, the more I get insensitive. And this anxiety, or whatever you call it, became the reason why others misunderstood me. Isolating myself just to avoid hurting others became an ‘anti-social’ image of me — the ‘couldn’t-care-less slash uninterested slash heartless slash unappreciative girl’ I am. And it’s painful to know that the people who you are trying to protect from yourself see you as such kind of person. You might be thinking: “you should have told your parents,” or “you could have asked for some professional help.” But no, it is not that easy. Even I, myself, don’t want to claim this anxious self I have. Talking about this is like trying to figure out where to eat on a date. No matter how hard I try to explain what I feel, it will just turn out to be a drama series of life in [my perspective]. And I would rather leave people unaware of my struggles, rather than being misunderstood.

I don’t want to spend more sleepless night worrying about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g that doesn’t even exist.

But at last, I had the guts to write about this one. I’ve been blank-minded to talk about this every time I try because I feel there’s a lot to tell. And if I write about something, I want it to be as understandable as it can be so my readers won’t be misguided on how I feel. But for now, I just wanna write freely and carelessly; not caring about anyone for once but myself. It is a great relief, tho. I feel like there’s a huge clog in my veins that’s finally been removed!

God works in His mysterious ways, indeed. For so long, I’ve been struggling alone with these harmful thoughts on myself, but when the sun started to show itself today, His light shone upon my face, and His ever-sufficient grace filled my whole body. I was so messed up with my own thoughts and emotions, and I forgot that I have the God that’s greater than any battles I am facing. I almost forgot that I am already a victor for God Himself has won my battle; He is my assurance, and I cannot depend anything about me on anyone but to Him alone!

This girl, this girl that has been writing about her melancholy, has finally found her light again. I don’t know where and when the darkness will try to suck me up, or how the enemy will try to feed me with his lies again, but I have my hopes up with God. I am worthy, I am a victor, I am incomparable to anyone because I am a masterpiece of the Most High.

No worries for now. Or whenever.

God is in control, and He does what He knows will be beneficial for me, for us.

And these struggles are for His glory.

Me Time

Photo credits to Heart Speaks

Maybe it’s already time for me to focus on myself; no more consideration of others’ excuses when they are being offensive or hurtful towards me. I think it’s time to let them realize that I love really really hard, but when I see that I am not being appreciated, I can lose interest, too.

Almost

Photo credits to Heart Speaks

I was close to believing you actually care about me. But every time you hurt my feelings, you do not know how to deal with me. Maybe you are perfect for me when I am alright; perhaps you’re just like the others who cannot handle me when there’s a calamity happening inside me. I almost believed my loneliness is over, but I guess it’s not.

Melancholy and I

Photo credits to Google Images

 

The tranquil silence around

With the buzzing noises in my mind,

Keeps me awake in this time of night

I cannot help

Even on my full might,

I know it is not enough

—

I keep questioning myself:

“What’s wrong? It has to be something else”

There is none, actually

Just myself and my melancholy

Mood Swing

Maybe that’s the thing about keeping it all inside you: in an abrupt moment, how you cope up with things will change. Not that you wanted it, but it’s the emotions that outbursted. Perhaps it’s how our body works when we do not let our feelings out right at the moment we felt it: when we’re supposed to be having fun, when we’re supposed to be happy, when we’re supposed to be relishing our moment, all the resentments, the negative emotions will suddenly come out and boom! Hi, sadness.

Paradox

I was almost a better person,

I was almost becoming who I wanted to be,

Then suddenly there’s something inside me —

Hate, loss, anger, or loneliness?

I do not know, but it is indeed a mess;

I have become so furious,

I have become so cautious,

Both at the same time, it’s not easy;

I became too strong,

I became too fragile;

Paradoxically, I made myself a harder stand

I love too much,

I show less of it;

Life seems to get harder to figure out,

Or it is just me —

Having a hard time to sort myself out?