YOUR ECHO

As a child, I wandered off

Innocently in a strange world

Where I have yet to master

Discernment of harm and danger

–

I’d put up my bravado,

Put my confidence in your example;

Said if you have endured it,

Then you would walk me through it

–

As I grew older,

So did my world get tougher;

Went looking for your shadow

That I expected to guide me

–

I thought I’d lost my way

But then there’s a voice inside my head;

A woman trying to direct me

Back to your path that awaits me

–

As I tried to follow,

I realized ’twas not where I wanted to go;

Said I’d rather go on my own

Than to keep losing you

–

I took a step back and looked from afar;

The path I once took –

Your path that I followed,

Was too much for a child to handle

–

I struggled a long time

Trying to manage my own path;

I cried countless times

Thinking how could I not be of your standards

–

At times when I fall,

I would find myself alone;

Blinded by my insecurity

That I was not enough

–

Then again I heard that rescuing voice,

Leading me to a safer world –

A world that filled my brokenness

With warmth like the one you gave to others

–

Two different paths shaped me,

Paths that led me to my own journey;

Finally, I learned to love

The person that I have become

–

My wisdom, the reflection

Of that kind woman’s heart;

My strength, the echo

Of all the pain you caused me

Absent

I haven’t been myself lately. Since Puma’s passing, I feel like I lost a huge amount of joy in my heart. Although I acknowledge the fact that I should be projecting my energy to other things now, my soul just doesn’t feel whole.

There are so many things that are bothering me once again. I am so demotivated in life in general right now. Tho I try to divert my attention to things that may make me happy, nothing just feels right.

I am grieving for our beloved Puma’s departure, but I don’t know how to cope with it. I know deep inside it should hurt, but my emotions just don’t feel anything.

22

Jeez, I haven’t been this *genuinely* happy for quite some time. Not that I wasn’t contented with everything I have, nor was I enjoying dwelling on my anxieties, but you know, just that phase in our lives where we go through existential crisis and depression would hit us hard. It may not seem obvious to me, but I was stuck there until just recently when I stepped into a new chapter of my life. It took me years before I finally felt completely happy again – deep down in my heart kind of happy. Imagine that.

My point is, whatever you are going through, please keep doing what you’re doing. A lot of things don’t make sense right now, but someday when you get to where you’re supposed to be, it will all add up. All that struggle is just part of the process to equip you for something bigger; that hardship is not supposed to break you, it is to expand your capabilities. Don’t you dare to give up, my friend! You’re getting closer. Above all else, be patient with yourself. The right people will come to find you. For now as you struggle to seek the meaning of your battles, learn to find peace in your own solitude.

Don’t let yourself get stuck in the mud of your sorrows. You will be happy again. Work on it.

Just breathe.

Maybe

Why do you feel so close

When you are far away?

And why do you feel so distant

When you are just around?

–

How does it feel so strange

Talking to you all of a sudden?

As if we were never close to each other,

Like we never shared anything at all

–

Maybe it’s my heart that still holds you,

Maybe it’s when our eyes meet burning with our old flame,

Maybe, just maybe, it’s all still the same,

Maybe it’s really just the timing that fucked this all up

When I Was Finally Ready

Like a balloon

Pumped up beyond its capacity,

Our feelings grew

Until it bursted out of our control

–

Like a bubble

That never fails to make me smile,

You disappeared so soon

With no trace, as if you never happened

–

Like a song

Played on repeat in my mind,

Your smile, your laugh,

I long for every minute since you were gone

–

And like everybody else

I invested myself to

You left me so suddenly

Worse, when I was finally ready

Gravity

I was never meant to fall,
But I was magnetized by the gravity’s pull;
Towards you, closer and closer,
Until I found myself falling deeper and deeper

At first I thought it would fade away,
Days went by, feelings only grew stronger;
Now that I’m trying to let go of this,
I can’t hardly even think of you less

Do You Ever

Do you ever get so disappointed in life that you just don’t know what to say anymore

Delayed

photo not mine

---

This totally struck me. In 2019, I got my degree and took 3 months before I got my first job. My heart was fixed on pursuing my career in the company where I took my internship. But then I found out they were freeze hiring at that time. So after that, I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. It was so hard for me to decide what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Nonetheless, in the back of my mind, I knew I wanted to work in the office and be in the airline industry since that’s kind of the stigma when you finish a degree in Tourism Management; plus, when I was in college, I was never interested when we discuss about the hotels. But then this opportunity in the hotel industry came. Not only it wasn’t in the airline industry, it was also in the operations – a total opposite of what I knew I wanted. Now, don’t get me wrong for being too picky for someone in the entry level of her career. We are entitled to dream of what we want for ourselves.

After 4 months in the operations, I was asked if I wanted to apply for a position in the Sales&Marketing department. At first, I was hesitant because from the background I was given, the people I was supposed to be working with are hell of a skillful, experienced, and talented people. Not to mention, they are all excellent in people skills and then there’s me – the awkward, non-sociable person I am. Anyway, of course I got so intimidated even without meeting them yet, but I reminded myself of this quote that says ‘hardest battles are given to the strongest soldiers.’ It was a big step for me because in my current job at that time, I knew there wasn’t growth for me there. So I took a leap of faith; I applied for it and fortunately, I got the new position.

I loved my new job. I loved everything I was learning. Finally, I was beginning to see a future for myself. I was satisfied with what I was doing. Then, the pandemic boomed. My work got affected; I got laid off. I waited and still am waiting to go back. I feel like my personal and career growth got delayed. At the start of the year, I was so excited to experience every season at work – the challenges that comes with it, the celebrations, my improvements, my potentials getting unfolded. I was thrilled to envision a whole year of work experience.

I pictured my 2020 with at least 50,000PHP on my savings account before the year ends, helping my sisters with our financial needs at home, buying things I like, going to places I want to see, treating myself out for a coffee, and slowly achieving all the other things I dream about. But I cannot control the things that happened this year. I have to accept this setback.

I may not have achieved everything I thought I would this year, at least I got the time to pause and see life differently. I have always wanted more; I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though. But now, I appreciate the little things the most.

I may have got delayed for now, but that doesn’t mean I will stop.

Was It All Worth It?

Was it worth it?
When you chose to spend your time alone without the thought of me;
When you chose your desire over protecting my feelings;
When you chose your lust over my trust;
Was it worth it?
When you chose the other girls over me;
When you chose to keep everything from me;
When you chose to lie to my face as you promise;
Was it worth it?
When you saw me cry;
When you saw me hurt;
When you saw me doubtful;
Was it worth it?
When you saw me curled up in pain;
When you saw me fall asleep wet in my tears;
When you saw me shivering as I question everything;
Was it all worth it?

What Difference

After words have been uttered,
Thoughts have been heard,
Feelings have been spoken,
What difference did it make?
It still hurts;
It’s still in me;
Not even an ounce has been diminished
From the weight I carry
In my mind,
In my heart,
In every bit of my soul,
All over me